"What The Hell Are You Doing?"

I was driving down the street to make roll call. Out of the blue this Camaro shoots past me and keeps going. Of course I'm thinking;

"Oh hell no! No you did not just fly past a marked patrol car going over 50 MPH down this street!"

So I promptly pull his ass over. I walk up to the car and see it's one of my officers! One who is supposed to be in roll call with me. I chew his ass out for hauling ass past a marked patrol car in front of everyone thus putting me in a position where I have to show who is boss or I, and my department lose face out in this neighborhood. He tells me he is running late and just didn't see me. He says had he known it was me in that car he'd never have passed me. I tell him to get his ass to command. He's having a bad week. Just the previous day he was driving and his wheel fell off in the middle of rush hour. That wasn't his fault but still, it took up most of my shift doing the paperwork on that. Then he wants to blow past me like I'm not even there in front of the neighborhood! I'm not having it! Hopefully he learned his lesson.

Administrative Walls

Aside from the general public, the crook on the street, the inept justice system that puts repeat bad guys back on the street who do even more damage, the most infuriating aspects of our jobs are our own administration. There is a saying that the higher up the ladder one climbs the less backbone (or schlong if your mind works that way) one gets. A friend of mine was telling me a story. He works for a transit authority police department. He told me of a bus driver who picked up two teenage girls. We're talking about 13 years old. The girls don't have the bus fare but he lets them on anyhow. Okay, so far so good he's being generous. However during the bus ride he eyes her in the mirror and tells her how pretty she is. Uh oh! Trouble brewing! He then tells her she looks like she could suck a mean ****! Uhmmm, you don't tell a 13-year old girl that. He gets her phone number (I bet he pressured her) and makes several calls to the house. Not surprisingly her parents find out and make a complaint. The bus driver gets charged with something, solicitation of a minor I think. The officers want to run on his house but their administration tells them no! They are dumbfounded. They have a felony warrant but their chief won't let them serve it. They employ a ruse to call him in to give a statement for his job and that's how they got him. Reminded me of a story.

I came to work one night to find a flyer with a guy's photo and information. He lived smack dab in the middle of my district. Unbeknownst to me, the previous shift had learned he was living there and had a felony warrant. A friend of mine wanted to serve the warrant but the watch commander wouldn't allow it. His reasoning was that he was afraid if something went wrong (i.e. a shoot out) he didn't want to explain to the chief what they were doing there. Talk about cowardly in my opinion. Anyhow, I pick three guys and we go serve the warrant. I don't ask my watch commander for permission, I tell him what I'm doing and he says "be careful!" I knock on the door and low and behold the fugitive opens the door. So I say I need to speak to him as I'm grabbing him and pulling him out of the house. When I left work that day, I proudly wrote on the flyer "Arrested by Parsons!" Yeah, I admit I was sort of bragging. When my friend saw it he was pissed again. Not at me, but because his watch commander lacked the balls to let them serve a felony warrant in the middle of our district while I went and did it.

Rest In Peace Officer Henry Canales

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known."

Charles Dickens from A Tale of Two Cities

"I took one of you out!"

We were holding roll call and I noticed an officer was late. As we're discussing stuff someone's phone rings and he answers it. He then hangs up and gets up. I'm mildly curious where he's going.

"Oh **** is outside she has a guy exposing himself!"

Turns out some bum (we call them Metro patrons) was urinating on a tree, next to a police station of all places. About 5 of us come rushing out to confront the guy and I see the knife in his pocket. I get behind him and toss his knife and handcuff him. I can already smell the booze on him. We walk him to the nearest patrol car and he's already running his mouth about how he works "every ***damned day!" I look at the cell phone attached to his belt and ask how does a homeless man afford a cell phone. Again, "I work every ***damned day!" If he works every day why spend his money on booze and urinating with his schlong out in front of a lady police officer. He's stupid, he can't answer that one other than to say he "knows the drill" and he's been out since 1991. I bite the hook;

"What were you locked up for?"

"You don't wanna know!"

"C'mon man! You're the one who brought it up. Clearly you want to brag! Let me guess, you're gonna say you killed someone!"

He tried giving me cold stare. Then Ice T's lyrics in colors played in my mind "don't' try to act crazy cuz that sh** don't phase me!"

"You want so bad to say you killed someone don't you!"

"I took one of you out and they let me out! I got away with it!"

Not quite the answer I was expecting. He was still trying to give me the cold stare so I had to throw some cold water on his attitude. I said;

"Why does my gut tell me you're full of sh**? You're trying to act Mr. Get Bad!"

"I could take any of you on!"

"Well smart ass you had your chance before I handcuffed you but you waited until after to start talking sh**!"

He went to jail to urinating in public and public intoxication. He's another who can't seem to grasp the concept that his dumb decision got him into trouble. I plan on looking into his claim about killing an officer but I doubt I'll find anything. Later on it's kind of ominous because later on that night we all hear the radio traffic that an officer was shot and killed.

Search Warrants in Heat

An ICE agent calls up asking for help with a search warrant. Cool! Gives me something to do. The officer answer the calls recruits me and in the parking lot I come across another officer who is a good guy. He and I go way back and he's training a rookie. So I recruit them. We all drive out and meet the agents. They are serving a search warrant for a child pornography investigation. This is getting better and better. The plan is to call him out on the phone, if not then forced entry would be made. We get there and half the officers/agents set up on the south neighbor's house as I and the others set up on the north neighbor. The subject of the warrant is known to have at least a pistol and an SKS rifle which goes through body armor. I ponder if I should bring my shotgun, but the problem is having to keep up with it. I decide not to bring it. For the next half hour, in the 90+ degree heat the agents are trying to get the guy on the phone. I'm ready to bust through the door despite the rifle, and camera set up filming the front driveway. I was willing to risk going against a 7.62mm round as opposed to this cursed heat. I can imagine the neighbors looking out their windows and seeing us, and about 6 other people with black tactical vests saying "ICE" on it. Finally the guy walks out and we swoop down on him and then I and an ICE agent clear the house. It's a good learning experience. I've taken a class on these kinds of investigations yet have never seen one in progress. So I hang around and watch and learn. The guy had a hell of a computer set up as well as a DVD burner. So he's bootlegging stuff as well. In the upcoming weeks he's going to have problems. I imagine they will file a warrant on him and we'll be back out there again.

Another "Misdemeanor Shooting"

Two Houstone gang members were doing what they usually do, hanging out doing nothing when a vehicle drove by. Clearly a rival gang member fired on them with a shotgun hitting both of them. It didn't kill them, but they went to the hospital. Nobody was overly concerned.

Cop Bloggers

An English Police Constable is probably in hot water now that his identity has become public knowledge.



"The officer also criticised and ridiculed “a number of senior politicians” and advised members of the public under police investigation to “complain about every officer . . . show no respect to the legal system or anybody working in it”.


"Some of the blog’s best-read sections, which on occasion attracted half a million readers a week, were anecdotes about cases on which Mr Horton had worked. The people and places were made anonymous and details changed, but they could still be traced back to real prosecutions."



Public servants (i.e. police officers, clerks, etc) walk a fine line when they decide to blog. Blogs can be a great public relations tool such as Houston Police Chief's blog. They can tell positive stories about the department that the media refuse to touch and counter the image the media creates that nothing good is being done. However, these blogs usually read like press releases. The reason I started this blog is I wanted to chronicle things I've experienced, and others. I have always felt police agencies do themselves a big disservice about being tight lipped when bad news flies on the front page or on the 6 o'clock broadcast. Police agencies should either say if there is a problem they'll deal with it, if there is no problem then that should be broadcasted as well. Over the last few years cops have discovered blogging and felt the same way I did. Some just want to share their stories with the public. Some use it as a pedestal to air their grievances. Yet some go even farther and attack people by name and there lies the double edged sword. These guys see themselves as whistle blowers. Yet half the time they only tell their side of the story which casts them as the victim. Most officers will own up to their mistakes. Lord knows I've had to own up to a few over the years. Yet there are some who refuse to believe they are wrong and will argue with God himself over it.



Police agencies by their very nature aren't too fond of unauthorized bloggers. No agency likes to have their dirty laundry aired and all departments have dirty laundry. Now, some may say "the public has a right to know!" Wrong! The public doesn't need to know everything. Every business has its skeletons and if they want to know everything that goes on in a police department then they should open their closet doors and reveal their skeletons. Naturally police agencies are usually tight lipped about internal matters. The last thing they want is their closet door to be opened. My department has its skeletons but I will never reveal them. For one, it's not my business, and two I don't want them coming after me.

Overall, I think cop bloggers are great, as are prosecutor and defense lawyer bloggers. You can learn some interesting things. I like the defense lawyer blogs because I can learn how they see the world and can learn some of their tricks in court. You can also learn there is a side to life that is kept from the public eye. You can also learn there is an explanation for all our madness. What do you think?

Why I Hate UFC!!!

I don't have to look at the schedule when a UFC pay-per-view is scheduled. Half of the shift takes off and another quarter call in sick. So the shift is ran on a midget skeleton crew. I love how some officers will get "sick" the pay-per-view days and think nothing of leaving their comrades out in the field to fend for themselves! Talk about selfish and greedy!

Brand Names

I stayed up late last night only to have to get up early and work an extra job. A few hours later I came home tired. My wife made plans with her friend and her husband to go shopping. She asked me and at first I declined. Then after a few minutes of thinking I decided why the hell not! What else was I going to do? We pick them up and head to an outlet mall. I did need to get some walking shoes since I'm supposed to be walking more. The outlet mall is mostly clothing and jewelry shops. Mostly girly crap! The women go their way and J and I go walking around. We stop into a sun glass store. I'm always breaking or losing sunglasses. Once or twice a month I'm making a stop into walmart of walgreens and shelling about $20 for a pair of sunglasses that will eventually wind up broken or lost. I looked at the prices and my jaw dropped. They were going for about $130, $150, and one pair for $295. What in the hell makes these glasses so expensive? For that much they better have a GPS tracker that whistles when I lose them, and either an x-ray that lets me see through women's' clothing or lets me read their minds. I suspect you're paying more for the name than the actual product which is just stupid. I wonder if I could get a polo shit and have "George" stenciled on the front and people would pay 3 times what's it's worth. I've never gone for something just because it is popular. I have a natural tendency go against the grain. If TV, media, or stupid old pop culture tells you something is cool naturally I'll go the opposite direction. I don't want to be one of the "sheeple" or that's how I feel about trends and brand names. I eventually found a pair of walking shoes. As we were walking back to the car we spotted a discarded car window in an empty space. Either someone had their broken into, or it was stolen. Or maybe they locked their keys inside and broke into their own cars. Either way I got onto my wife for leaving her satellite and GPS in plain view. She disregards me. One day she's going to be careless and something will happen I'm afraid.

He Did What????????

The boss called in sick and my partner took off so that meant I was at the helm solo. I'm relatively lucky (so far) in that all hell hasn't broken loose and I was the only boss on. Since I'm technically the watch commander for the busiest day of the week I take my time going over reports. I read one that made me shout into the empty space. It's a good thing this guy had called in sick.

He got flagged down about an abandoned vehicle. He runs the license plate and learns it was taken in an aggravated robbery in the neighboring jurisdiction. According to the original report a man with a shotgun forced the driver out of the car and stole it. In layman's terms, a carjacking. He contacts the agency and they send a wrecker to pick up the car to take it to their print stall and process it in hopes of finding evidence. All he has to do is wait and secure the vehicle. I would have guessed he could handle that. That is until I read this in his report;

"I then inventoried the vehicle thoroughly and found the following items...."

I think I actually shouted "you did what you ignorant fu**** jackass ****head pencil di**!!!! Tell me you did not go finger fu***** that car before it could be printed!!!!" Sadly, he did. So, I have to wait until I see him again so I educate him.

Sad thing is I can speak from experience. One night, when I was new we found a car used in a kidnapping. I was so excited I practically dove in the car looking for evidence. A veteran officer pulled me out of the car and chewed my ass out. I felt like the biggest dumbass on the planet. However it never happened again. Now it's my turn to be the teacher I guess!

Misdemeanor Shooting

It's been a long time since I heard that term used. The call drops as a drive by shooting. As usual I'm the farthest away and get there dead last. A young girl got shot in the leg. When I get there, she is in the ambulance being treated. She has a look on her face, a "that's life" kind of look. I over hear one of the other officers talking about how this street is notorious for gangs, drugs, shootings, and stabbings. I noticed a tattoo on her right forearm, had a giant dollar sign and some writing. I couldn't get close enough to read the writing. I walk around with my flash light looking for any evidence and as expected, I find none. I hear officers grumbling that the people know who did this but as usual aren't going to talk to us. So naturally the officers really aren't that concerned. One girl shows up pointing to a scratch on her leg where she says a bullet grazed her. Her friends are talking about a guy who got beat up there the day before and how they saw him driving up and down the street just before the shooting. Yet nobody can say they saw him shoot. It sounds like a retaliatory shooting to me. I don't think the girl who was shot was the intended target, but she was probably near him (or her but not likely). Still nobody who was standing there who saw this mystery guy driving up and down the street repeatedly can say if that was, or wasn't the shooter. The officers who patrol this area are constantly here and sick of only getting half the story. So naturally they are not overly concerned with coming to this street unless someone is killed. I hear one guy say "there is always something going on here. This is a misdemeanor shooting." I tell him not to let anyone else hear him say that. I go ahead and leave. Despite the apparent lack of concern they do have a lead. That officer knows who got beat up the day before and will be looking for him soon.

Flashback Post

It was a simple alarm call. After we cleared it I walked down the half block back to my car. I looked at the sidewalk when the pre-flashback music played in my head.

About five or six years ago, I was working night shift. I came up to an intersection and stopped as another car ran the red light. I turned to go after him and he kept going. I followed him into a neighborhood and he finally pulled over. I approach and look at him and can tell he's f***** up! I pull him out of the car. Now, I can't remember what I was thinking but I made the decision to cuff him and put him in my car until my backup arrived. Now, I should have just stalled, talked to him, maybe try to do sobriety tests. I grab him and he spins on me grabbing my hands. I pull back and take out my OC spray. I was going to spray him but we were too close and he slapped the spray out of my hand. Sh**! He takes off running down the street and I go after him. I hate running and we ran. For some reason he was running down the sidewalk. I kept thinking if he starts running in between houses and hopping fences he's gone. Yet, he kept running down the sidewalk. I remember thinking this guy was crazy or incredibly stupid. I can't catch up to him but he isn't going to lose me. I'm out of breath calling out our location yet the units are having a hard time finding the street. One officer gets on the radio asking what neighborhood is that street in. I say, on the air "fu** if I know just get here!" Finally my posse arrives and I stop and breathe while they run after him and catch him. I drag my ass and the guy is on the ground fighting. Unbeknownst to me, another officer's radio is keyed up and I say "hey use your spray and spray this bitch! I lost mine!" I didn't get in trouble but I did get laughed at. The officer sprays him, and us, but we manage to him in custody. The guy starts talking crazy. He gets in my car and is running at the mouth about someone named Christie. I take him to jail and when he gets in the door he tries to flee while inside the jail. I filed evading and resisting arrest on him. I was pissed when the dumb f*** Harris County DA's office dismissed the charge saying he was crazy. Yeah he was crazy, but he knew ***damn well what he was doing.

While looking at the sidewalk I imagined myself running that night after him. I wonder whatever happened to that damned fool!

"Throw Ya Gunz!"

Rebecca had an interesting post about guns.

First point, no matter how you feel about our President (personally I detest him) he is still the President and any rational person knows YOU DON'T THREATEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!! I never could understand the logic of someone emailing, or calling the white house threatening the President. Perhaps they were just super lonely and was wanting human contact very badly so they wanted the FBI and/or the Secret Service to come knocking. It's better to exercise your first amendment rights (while we still have them) to express your disagreement not threaten the man with harm. That's just dumb!!!

Guns are not the problem, it's the people who have them. I remember stopping an old man for speeding. He was late 70s and his wife was the same age range. He had a concealed carry license and told me he had a pistol in the car. He was very courteous and concerned that I would fear for my safety because he had a gun. Fortunately, I keep things in perspective. This is someone's grandpa who doesn't want to be a victim of crime. He watches the news and sees all the stories of criminals robbing and beating innocent citizens (many of them elderly) and he refuses to be a victim. So he carries a small pistol to protect himself and his wife from criminals. He'd never dream of harming an innocent person with his pistol, much less a police officer. This is not the person I fear having a gun. The person I fear having a gun is like the young man who just got out of jail and I had pulled over for running a stop sign. My supervisor at the time was with me and next thing I know, he pulls his gun and is struggling with the driver. Fearing the guy is about to put the car in gear and drive off with my boss hanging on I jump in the car on the passenger side and yank the key out. I secure the driver's arms and get him handcuffed. I was wondering why he was reaching for the seat, then I learned there was a pistol under there. Then it dawned on me, I jumped on top of a guy reaching for a pistol!

When one looks back upon the greatest massacres and slaughters in history there is a common denominator. The murderers were well armed and the victims weren't. In cities with a high crime rate, the criminals are well armed and the citizenry isn't. Good people should have a means to protect themselves from the criminal element and oppressive governments. In third world nations where people are dominated and oppressed their laws forbid the citizenry from owning guns. Who has the guns in those nations? The military and the police who come in and do what they want with the people. A Japanese general was interviewed after the end of World War II. He was asked why didn't the Japanese invade the American west coast after they decimated Pearl Harbor. The general said they knew that American citizens owned guns and even had marksmanship contests and knew better than to walk in that "quicksand."

Guns can be scary. However the best way to conquer your fear of something is to learn it, become familiar with it. At a young age my dad taught my brother and I to respect, and avoid guns. When we got older he taught us how to properly handle one and the consequences for not handling one. As a result I'm very careful when handling my weapons. My finger never touches the trigger unless it's time to shoot (which thankfully has only been at the shooting range). As long as the barrel is pointing away from people and the finger is off the trigger there is no way a gun will discharge and injure/kill someone. These accidental discharges are a result of the trigger being carelessly pulled. These incidents where someone is "playing" with a gun and accidentally kills someone is the recklessness of the handler. Even the NRA which many naive liberals view as worse than the waffen ss has a safety mascot called Eddie Eagle who goes to schools and such teaching gun safety.

I refuse to be a victim. I've seen too many victims of robberies, assaults, and even a home invasion. I remember the fear in the family's eyes. I remember the sense of helplessness and fear after a group of men kicked in their door, tied them up, held one man's head under water, and threatened to take a teenage girl with them. I refuse to be tied up while my house is being ransacked or my wife assaulted. I refuse to live with the consequences and second guessing myself and thinking I'm a coward for having surrendered. I won't do it!

Flashback Post

Two of my favorite shows were Forever Knight, and Highlander: The Series. One of the best parts of the shows were the flashbacks. As something happened, the main characters (Nick Knight or Duncan McLeod) would have a flash back to another time and place as it related to the current situation. I had one in a Shell gas station of all places. I stopped in to gas up the patrol car and had to buy some snacks to hold me over until dinner. I'm the only customer at the moment and the store is hauntingly quiet. I make a quick nod to the clerk. If I don't look outside at the daytime I'd swear I was back working night shift. Most nights around midnight several of us would end up here, drink coffee and catch up on life, words on the street etc. and no, we never did get caught which is surprising since we were out in the open. I recalled some incidents that took place here;


One night I was fueling up when a car quickly pulled in. I hear shouting between a man and a woman. A man in his 50s is screaming at a 20-something year old woman. I have the man step out of the car and he wants to yell at me. Oh hell no! I handcuff him and stuff him in my patrol car. The woman is acting hysterically. Come to find out, the 20-year old woman is on a date with the 50ish-year old man. Two thoughts materialize;

1-How the hell did he get the babe to go out with his old ass!

2-What mental defects is the woman suffering from?

Further investigation I learn the problem is not the man, it's the woman. She's going berserk on him plus she's drunk. What I think happened was they went out, he bought her drinks hoping to get her in the mood so he can live out his old man fantasies with a younger woman. Unfortunately for him she doesn't handle alcohol well and she goes crazy. I take the cuffs off the man and let him out of the car, I have no reason to hold him any longer. Now, I have a choice, arrest the woman (these two are not leaving together because the problem will continue if I do and I'm not going to let that happen) or find someone to pick her up and get her away from him. He gives me the girl's mother's number. So I call mom to get her drunk daughter. A few minutes later the mom shows up and the mystery behind the young woman's dysfunction is solved. The mom is late 60s/early 70s and wearing tight spandex-type pants and a fake fur coat. I know men act silly when they go through a mid life crises but I didn't realize women go through a late life crises. Mom knew her daughter was on a date with father time and had set it up. I walk away thinking "what's wrong with this family!"


Another night we're drinking coffee when a truck flies into the parking and somehow drives between the gas pumps! I'm amazed he didn't hit them which is what I was expecting. We go outside to confront the driver who seems a little intoxicated, yet I don't smell alcohol. I do the HGN test on him (eyes follow the pen test) and there is no sign. He has an injured leg so I can't do the other tests. He seems intoxicated yet I can't get any signs other than how he drove into the parking lot and the glazed look in his eyes. If I bring him into the intox station and blows into the intoxilyzer machine he will pass that test. Then the issue will be whether a DRE (drug recognition expert) will be available. If not then I won't have any reason to hold him. I do not relish arresting people with little evidence. The less I have to work with the more difficult it becomes to explain why I deprived someone of their liberty and opens me up to trouble down the line. I can't let this guy drive off because I feel it will endanger himself, and the public and again open me up to trouble down the road. I cannot arrest him for public intoxication because I saw him driving! I hate these predicaments! I tell the guy (who is getting an attitude) that he needs to call someone. He gives me the "I have nobody, nobody will answer their phone for me" routine. Basically he's trying to force me to either arrest him with practically no evidence or to let him go. I see his truck door still open so I go look inside the truck. I'm merely peaking inside not digging through. I see something interesting. I see the handle of a knife protruding from under the seat. It looks like a rather large knife too. I pull it out and see it's an illegal knife! Yes! Now I have something to work with. I go ahead and arrest him for the illegal knife. Now he starts protesting saying he can find a ride. Too late! In the search incident to arrest I find xanex and weed in his pocket. So he's high. It has to be the weed because xanex increases the HGN. Now that I have a good weapon and drug case on this fool, my problem is solved.

Alarm Commercial at My House

These commercials are dumb as hell. They should film a commercial at my house. It would go a little something like this;

Alarm: "Mr. Parsons we've got an alarm at your house are you okay?"

Me: "Why thank you for calling! I'm just peachy! Now, the mother f***** who just kicked in my door has 5 bullets in his ass and 1 in his head! You may want to send help for him!"

Awwww Damn!

Sometimes I check by on traffic stops with an ulterior motive. When the officer is good I will sit back and watch the passing traffic. Texas has a law that requires motorists passing an emergency vehicle with their emergency lights running to either vacate the lane or slow down. It annoys the hell out of me when I'm on a traffic stop and some fool flies by me within inches. So I like to sit on others' stops and watch for those fools who fly by then go after them. The other day I sat by when this Matrix flies by. I stop him and he acts like he doesn't know. He also has no insurance and says the car isn't his. He is 'test driving' it for the last three days. I run him and he has a criminal record. He's been filed on for terroristic threat. I don't look into the details but then I see the name of the officer who filed the charge, Rodney Johnson. I shook my head and said "damn!"

The guy got two tickets and wanted to argue, but I didn't want to hear it.

What Were These People Thinking?

Story 1:



A man gets pulled over for speeding. The officer goes into his spiel about why he stopped him and he needs to see the guy's license and insurance. The officer is professional. The guy refuses to hand over his license and argues. After a few minutes of arguing and the guy refusing to hand over his license and insurance (which he doesn't have) it's time for the hands on approach. The officer reaches in and the guy tries to pull back. He comes out of the car, while it's still in gear. The car lurches forward while the officer is wrestling with the guy who manages to break free and jump back in the car. The car gets stopped and back out he comes resisting arrest. He finally gets placed in cuffs. When he realizes he's going to jail he begs for forgiveness but really doesn't explain why he resisted to start with.





Story 2:

A friend of mine is a Constable. She's at a red light when the car next to her gets tired of waiting and goes through the light. So naturally she stops him. He also refuses to hand over his license initially. He tells her she is just a Constable and has no authority to stop someone (yet this idiot did stop for her). She is a very patient person, not like me. At this point, had I been her I'd have gotten him out of the car and arrested him. So, he calls 911 to ask if a Constable can legally stop him. I imagine that call taker was highly annoyed they he/she told him yes. The guy then hands over his license and argues the whole time he's getting two tickets. Now, she did handle it okay, her patience won out. Had that been me, "oh hell no!!!"

A Scare at the Doctor's Office!

I decided today was a good day to get my annual physical exam over with. They tell you to fast which always sucks. I manage to get to the doctor's office early. I didn't mean to, I overestimated traffic. I was hoping getting their early would also get me in and out early. It didn't. They finally call me in and I get weighed and blood pressure read. The nurse takes out that paper gown and tells me to put it on. She then takes out a pair of latex gloves and paper towels and puts them on a counter. She then squirts a glob of lubricating jelly onto the paper towel. I'm staring wide eyed and jawed. I'm thinking whatever I did, whatever I said I'm sorry and I take it back. I'm also uttering "damn damn damn damn!"

The doctor finally comes in. I nod towards that and ask if it's what I think it is. He looks and laughs. They don't do that until you're 50 he tells me. I breathed the biggest sigh of relief. Good thing she didn't lay that out then take my blood pressure!